I’m Finally Finding Coping Mechanisms that Work for Me.
Right now, my body and mind are overcome with depression, anxiety, complex PTSD, and severe physical pain. I’m in crisis mode and having difficulty handling life in general. I’ve been crying more often than usual for a long time.
I don’t like to cry in public, but I had times I couldn’t control it. I’m not talking about being at a funeral where it’s acceptable to cry. I’m talking about being upset about something that usually has nothing to do with my current situation. However, if someone is rude to me, being more sensitive than most, my eyes will fill with tears and I can feel my face turn red.
It comes on suddenly and can be as easy as sitting in the waiting room for my doctor appointment and overhearing a conversation that triggers memories and emotions in me. My thoughts instantly travel back to a point in my life where I felt ashamed or scared.
I do my best to shake it off, but once the thought is in there, it continues to dig at me. As my mind relives those traumatic moments, my stomach hurts, I feel dizzy, and my breathing becomes unsteady. Soon, my heart starts racing and I feel a panic attack coming on. I can’t let this happen, especially if I’m alone. It’s so damn humiliating!
I struggle to bring my thoughts back to the present and do my best to distract myself any way possible. If the magazines are interesting, I’ll immerse my attention in an article on how best to clean your toilet, get out stubborn laundry stains, cook chicken, or anything else that will keep my mind occupied.
I’ve tried bringing my own book, but for some unknown reason, I need complete quiet to read anything of true interest, like a novel or a self-help book. I end up reading the same paragraph over several times and still cannot remember what I just read. However, reading mundane topics like cleaning, cooking, and laundry seem to hold my attention.
I’ve had to learn to tune out the radio if the office, or any place else I visit that has one playing, as some songs can trigger emotionally and physically painful situations from my past. When I’m driving, I play my own CD’s. When I was working, everyone had his or her own music playing, which can be distracting and annoying working in close quarters. I brought in a CD player and discs of nature sounds like birds chirping in the woods and waves crashing on beach sand, my favorite.
We’ve rescued a large number of dogs over the past twenty years. Sometimes I try to list them in my head the order in which we rescued them. Sometimes I get to a name and stop because I recall something special or funny about that particular dog. This can leave me in distraction mode for a few minutes, especially if I start thinking about another dog, which is good. The longer my mind remains distracted, the better chance I have of calming myself down and forgoing the panic attack.